


At Home

by nightmarefever



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Grinding, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Really Really Rude Komaeda, Self-Hatred, post-sdr2, so uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:53:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7067734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightmarefever/pseuds/nightmarefever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t expect it to be easy. It wasn’t for anyone. But after everything that had happened, he really hoped it could be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Home

**Author's Note:**

> everyone’s living on the island out of the simulator. im pretending like any info we know about dr3 isnt real and, if u read this after it comes out, that it didnt even happen. have fun!

Hinata thinks about him. Often.

The general atmosphere of him - the smiles, the chuckling, the weak way he had shaken Hinata’s hand. How weak he was, physically. Pale and yet so full of energy even when his voice was riddled with breathless air. Him waiting for Hinata to wake up and help him with anything he needed. Even when things grew scary, including...

The little details only Hinata cared to notice. He didn’t need to and he hated it but he could remember the smallest things when it came to _him_. How baggy his jacket rested on him. How uneven the strings of the hood always were. How his hips curved out, especially accented by the smallness of his frame. The reddish tint of his eyebrows and lashes, white otherwise. And how bright his eyes looked in the light. The darkness too, like a fire of green above a chapped smile.

And all their interactions. Every time they spoke and every time they just walked quietly by each other. Mostly him speaking. Hinata didn’t like controlling the conversation but especially not with him. His voice was... different. It was another detail he couldn’t help thinking about.

And Hinata hated it.

He hated thinking about him so much. On the island - no. In the simulation, he’d found himself lying awake in bed, in that cramped cottage, with nothing but time to reflect. Reflection which meant remembering the day, remembering what had happened.

Reflection which meant remembering everything Komaeda had done that day. Even if he tried to shove thoughts of him from his mind, they jumped back to the front of everything else.

Instead of mourning a friend, Hinata thought about how Komaeda carried himself through the class trial. Instead of trying to escape a closed space before he starved to death, Hinata sought out Komaeda in it for conversation.

Instead of listening to Naegi telling him how to run the island’s generator, Hinata wondered if Komaeda still hated him now as a silent fixture in a hub of tubes and computer screens.

Because now, on the island, the _real_ island, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. With a mix of guilt and loneliness.; only natural when he was fixated on someone who tried to kill him.

But he could forgive that. The longer he wasn’t in the trial room, arguing about the boy’s death, the more Hinata could understand him. He’d almost see himself in the same shoes if he’d finished the Final Dead Room first - maybe not so drastically but regardless.

Which was a conclusion someone could only come to when they spent so much time devoted to another. A conclusion that only happened when you couldn’t shove aside the stupid little crush you’d gotten when your crush was shaking the very foundations of an island.

A crush. That was what he had.

That _is_ what he has.

And thats why he thinks about him so often.

So Hinata rolls over in his bed, in a baren cottage like the one before, shoves his face into his pillow just like every other night before, wishes he didn’t have to see Komaeda’s face in the morning.

Of course, he does.

It always makes his heart stop, no matter how much he walks into the restaurant and spots him. No matter how many times he peers out his cottage window to know if he’ll bump into him on the walk there. He had at first, when Komaeda was able to walk without falling and didn’t need someone to bring him food (which was even more nerve-wrecking but another time). No, he doesn’t bump into him now. He makes sure Komaeda isn’t on his way - and maybe Komaeda does too.

He makes it clear he wouldn’t want to.

Today, Komaeda’s nose wrinkles at the sight of him. For the brief moment he turns from grabbing his breakfast and Hinata is nervously walking up the stairs behind. No comment as he sits as far away from everyone else as possible. As usual.

Hinata’s stomach is churning too much. He just sits down in a group. Hiyoko, Tsumiki, Sonia, Gundam. He repeats their names in his head like he might forget. It pushes away thoughts of looking at Komaeda, seeing if he’s struggling to get his chair out with only one frail hand.

He’d help but “reserve course students shouldn’t concern themselves with others. Focus on yourself, Hinata-san.”

Hinata focuses on himself, on the conversation between his friends. Tsumiki feeding bits of a celery to a hamster. That’s something to think about. Gundam finding a hamster on this barren island and taming it. He deserved to find it after everything he went through. Tsumiki deserved to feed it after everything she went through. They make small talk. He’s included in every now and again, speaking like his throat’s not dry and the words don’t scrap it up.

He pretends like his fingers aren’t tapping on his knee. He ignores Ibuki behind him jingling all the makeshift necklaces she’s made with each step she takes towards-

“Komaeda-kun, you look so lonely! Can Ibuki join you?”

He pretends like his fingers aren’t tapping faster. _Focus on what Sonia is saying._

“Please oh please! If you let Ibuki sit with you... this bracelet could totally be yours!” 

_FOCUS ON WHAT SONIA IS SAYING._

He knows he’s staring too hard at Sonia because she’s definitely not looking at him right now. She’s looking back at what’s happening. She’s not talking anymore because now Gundam is announcing how he plans to train his new pet to the group and she’s not looking at him.

“Sure.”

Hinata tries to detach himself from the way his breathing shakes, mind going totally blank.

“An _Ultimate_ may sit with me. Even after all that despair... you still have _talent_ after all. I won’t deny someone with that.”

He knows he’s staring too hard at Sonia because she’s definitely looking at him right now. Eyebrows bundled in concern. Hinata feels himself smile to calm her. He doesn’t think he does. He can’t tell.

“...OK!” Ibuki chimes out, less confidently. “Oh and you totally don’t have to have _this_ bracelet. You can have... any of these!” There’s a nervous texture to her voice now. “You can pick!” Or maybe Hinata’s just projecting. 

“You don’t have to give me anything.”

“Ibuki wants to though!”

The way she jingles tells him Komaeda took something. The way she giggles helps confirm. He continues breathing, hoping nobody tries to speak to him at the fast-paced conversation around. And he especially hopes Sonia will look away. He hates worrying his friends and he hates how she looks like she may say something.

Hinata tries to think about how she’s been like this since they all woke up. A strong, reassuring figure - like the big sister he always needed. But he doesn’t need her right now.

“I guess it’s... a little gift between _Ultimates_ then.”

He really doesn’t. No matter how much he’s squeezing his knee. He wants them to talk quieter or for his ears to not pick up on every little sound they make. Ibuki, full of energy. Komaeda, quiet except to say throwaway lines about talent and Ultimates and and and and

Hinata excuses himself downstairs. “Gotta see if anyone else is awake yet.” _I need to go throw up into the pool. I need to be anywhere but right here._

Peko and Fuyuhiko are trying to play the arcade games in the lobby. Fuyuhiko mutters about a trick he got from Nanami. “She showed me this... weird sim of it on her screen? I don’t know but I think this is right...” Peko nods at Hinata. Hinata nods at her.

And then he’s standing in his cottage with his entire body shaking, trying to calm down. Tapping his teeth and walking in a circle. Shaking his hands in front of himself. Mind buzzing.

Komaeda makes his mind buzz. He can’t panic over a single thing Komaeda said because at once it’s all racing in along with a constant stream of _You’re overreacting, Hajime. He wasn’t even talking to you._ But he doesn’t talk to him at all. Their communication is reserved to Komaeda sneering, Komaeda making snappy comments about him to others, Komaeda grabbing his arm tighter to his body if Hinata bumps him, Komaeda looking immediately away if they make eye contact.

Hinata’s gut is boiling. His fingers run through his hair, slowly feeling how the strands bunch around each digit. Fall back away.

How the worn scar on his forehead feels against his palm.

It makes him jerk his hands away right when a knock sounds at his door.

His body shakes more but he tries to push it down. “Who is it?” God, he hopes his voice only sounds broken to him.

“It’s... Sonia.”

Of course.

“I just... wanted to make sure you were alright. You haven’t eaten yet today, I assume.”

“No! No but I’m fine,” he calls back. It’s a miracle he can turn the doorknob. It’s a miracle he even walked to the door in the first place. 

Sonia’s face is bunched into concern when he opens the door. It’s no different than how it was at the restaurant and now Hinata wonders if anyone else felt worried enough to check on him. Or send her to for them.

He doesn’t want to find out.

“I’m gonna run.”

“You’re... going to run?” 

Hinata swallows, looking at the front gates. He tries to visualize where everything is. Most importantly, what’s closest he can run to it without sounding like he’s escaping.

“I’m going to the market. I...” He laughs. “I totally forgot I wanted to grab something I saw there. Hopefully nobody’s taken it yet. It was pretty neat too...” 

“...Do you want someone to come with you?” Sonia steps aside as Hinata shuts his cottage door behind himself. “I’m done with breakfast I could-”

“No.”

This time, Sonia swallows.

“I-I mean... you. Should go back with everyone else.”

“I should.”

“...Yes.”

Hinata doesn’t say more, walking by her. Pulling at his tie that’s falling against his thumping chest. His heart’s still racing. It’s hard to think over it. With the silence that falls between them, he doesn’t have to anymore.

At the gates, he vaguely hears her walking before he takes off.

The fresh air rushes through his face and he feels himself grounding. This body is his own again. His thoughts on nothing but the world around. It’s like it’s day one again, him walking to Jabberwock Park to meet Usami. Him... running to meet his other classmates. His friends...

It’s like nothing’s happened yet and he can pretend the only thing he knows about the strange boy escorting him is he makes his heart skip and his palms sweaty.

Rocketpunch Market gets deliveries twice a month from the Future Foundation. The bare minimum of what can keep a group of people from starving to death, besides random things found and dropped there. Hinata tries to remember when the last deliver was but he wasn’t there. Knowing him, he was in the hub, checking in on Nanami.

There’s nothing but the same junk he’s seen hundreds of times before. But none of his friends are here. That’s all that matters.

Hinata sits himself on an aisle. The cold tiles on the floor make his back shiver when he lays on them, body sensitive to everything. Mind drifting.

The building is hot. It’s different than the AC whirring in the simulation, the power better used now for keeping the lights from dying. Not that Hinata would mind that. Laying alone in a dark building would have been calming.

Alone...

He’s not alone. He never is. There’s probably a camera faced on him right now. Someone behind it. Maybe. He doesn’t know if the cameras around the islands actually work or are just there for show. To remind everyone to behave.

It makes him smile a bit to imagine Naegi watching over them, like their guardian angel. Naegi, with any of the other members he had with him before.

Hinata wonders if it’s just Hope Peak survivors with him.

Survivors like Hinata and his friends. All of them with him now, unlike Naegi. He didn’t get the fortune of everything being just a game. But despite that, he still helped them win theirs.

_JINGLE_

Hinata looks to the wall of prepacked food to his right, something besides his own thoughts to distract him. A light sound of chains is an aisle over.

Ibuki.

She’s the least concerning person to end up finding him, he supposes. She will say something funny, try to cheer him up... or just ramble on about what she’s finding. Her high energy would be a calming presence right now.

A distracting one.

The longer Hinata waits here, the more he starts remembering why he is _here_. And that’s not desirable. So he pulls himself off the ground to see if Ibuki wants to help change that.

Hinata turns the aisle. He’s halfway into greeting her when he realizes there is no her.

It’s only him.

Komaeda stares with a blank expression, running a bracelet in his hands. It clinks under his fingers. Shines in the light and Hinata is frozen staring back. There’s no nose wrinkling or sneers. Only this, them watching the other doing nothing but waiting. Waiting for what?

Hinata doesn’t say anything as he goes back to his aisle.

He holds his mouth, trying to not choke with each breath. It’s so hard. Impossible to remain calm through the total silence now not even broken by a dumb jingling, an ugly chain being fiddled with right on the other side of the shelves.

It’s impossible when he wants to choke on not only his breath but his heart. Beating so much faster than it has before, somehow after everything else it’s pushed through. He wants to run again. He doesn’t even know where. Maybe just run and run and run until his legs are sore and he has a reason to feel his lungs quiver with each exhale.

But his legs are already shaking.

Hinata hears something. It takes his brain a moment to recognize it. So unused to hearing it but there it is, as plain as day.

Komaeda saying hello.

It’s the first time he’s spoken directly to Hinata in... too long to count. Days certainly. Hinata has’t had to respond to him in even longer.

He doesn’t _need_ to respond. Not after the comments, the looks, the aggression.

But he... wants to. He wants to be the person to not let it stop him from still _trying_.

“Hey.” 

Hinata fingers the top of a cereal box. The flimsy paper peels easily under his nail and he crumbles that into a little ball.

He truly doesn’t expect an answer.

“What are you doing here?”

And getting one makes the ball slip from his grasp. He goes to make a new one. Wondering what he can even say to that. _I’m here because you make my blood boil. I’m here because you make me not want to be around anyone if there’s a chance you’ll be there. I’m here because I still think I like you but I think you hate me._ “What... are you doing here?”

Immediately Komaeda responds, “I asked first.”

He hears the chain begin to be played with. On the cereal box, Hinata can see the plastic bag beneath. He’s skinning the box and he doesn’t care. Maybe this can be what he told Sonia he wanted. A bag of stale wheat and colorfully dyed marshmallows.

“I’m here to get something.”

If he distracts himself, he can wonder where they even get fully packaged cereal anymore. He wonders if the Future Foundation gets their own food delivered from a place untouched by the Disaster. He wonders if this is just food they didn’t care for.

“Me too.”

Hinata and Komaeda are having a conversation. The former is straining to not crack his voice each time he says something, waiting for the repulsed comments to begin or for it to stop altogether. Maybe if he just lets it die himself, Komaeda will grab what he needs and go away.

“What are you getting?”

But he can’t do that.

The chain stops sounding. Hinata only has to listen to his nail rip the side off the box, the nutritional label coming off in his hands. He starts balling that up in his palm. A palm that’s shaking and sweaty.

“Why does it matter?” comes Komaeda. Hinata hears a box on the other boy’s end grabbed. “...What are you getting?”

Hinata stares at the paper ball he’s holding. “...Cereal.”

And immediately again. “Me too.”

“You’re... also getting cereal?”

“Yes.”

How long have they been talking? Seconds? Minutes? It feels like an eternity. They never talk this much anymore. Komaeda certainly doesn’t take this much to anyone. He doesn’t answer back so much.

“What kind?”

“You’re pretty noisy, huh?” 

And there it is. Eventually Komaeda would say something like that. Hinata’s surprised it took so long. It feels masochistic to continue talking now but of course he will. He has nothing better to do than see how bad Komaeda can make him feel before he lets his words mingle with all the ways Hinata’s heart used to thump over him.

As if it doesn’t still thump.

“I’m just asking... What... What if we got the same one? That’d be kinda funny.”

As if it’s not pounding right now.

“Funny.”

Hinata keeps on talking like a fool. Which he was the moment he greeted Komaeda. “I don’t know this brand but... it’s really generic. Maybe it’s something that came out while we were... uh... under. The mascot’s a cat. Looks like... it’s for kids.”

Komaeda doesn’t interrupt him oddly enough. He’s quiet until Hinata runs out of things to say. And then Hinata can hear him put his own box down.

“You like that sort of stuff, huh?” 

He hears the shelf creaking, like someone’s leaning on it.

“You’re noisy _and_ childish.” Komaeda chuckles. Hinata squeezes the ball in his hand harder, ready for more. _How talentless I am. How I’m just a reserve course student who should’ve died with the rest of them._ “To think I used to get off to the thought of someone like you.”

Hinata chokes and drops the ball. It clatters on the floor, like an entire shelf just fell over. The thumping of his heart is just as loud, drumming in his ears and drowning out his thoughts. But they’re still swimming. “...What?”

Another chuckle. Komaeda leans harder on the shelf. “I said I used to get off to you, Hinata-kun.”

His heart thumps louder. He hasn’t been Hinata-kun in so long. He’s been Hinata-san. He’s been the unnamed disgrace when Komaeda speaks to others. And now he’s Hinata-kun again, a name piercing his eardrums and he’s trying to pretend he hadn’t heard it or the rest of-

“I didn’t really do it before I came to the island. I never saw the point.”

Komaeda still talking. Hinata’s mouth grows dryer with each word. Each syllable.

“But something must have clicked when I met you. Because I really _wanted_ to after that. Even if I felt so ashamed coming to the thought of you. I still do but for different reasons. Now _that’s_ kinda funny, isn’t it, Hinata-kun?” It sounds like he’s spitting his name now. Each word bitter.

“Why-” Hinata swallows harshly, trying to find his voice. It’s clawing at his throat, making each word hurt coming out. “Why are you telling me this?” He stares ahead, like he can see Komaeda on the other side of the boxes and shelves and feel how he stares him down.

“Do you hate me?”

It’s getting too hard to keep talking. But he just manages to stammer out, “...No?”

“No?”

And he can’t find the energy to say anything else. Too focused on getting to talk to Komaeda. On having a normal conversation... almost normal. Everything Komaeda said is rushing through his mind at top speed, knocking at his heart and he’s trying to pretend like the heat he feels isn’t covering his face. That it’s just the building.

Komaeda scoffs.

Something falls to the floor on his aisle. With the way Komaeda is still, quiet, Hinata thinks it might be an accident. Accident or not, the boy leaves it.

The bracelet jingles as he goes to the door. Muttering under his breath.

Hinata faintly hears him before he leaves.

“You should.”

* * *

 

It’s difficult.

Being on the island is difficult.

Trying to fall asleep is difficult.

Existing is difficult. Being Hajime Hinata, cradled into himself on his bed, the backdrop of palm leaves whistling, water rushing on a distant beach, someone practicing on a guitar, is difficult.

He wishes he weren’t here.

If he weren’t here he wouldn’t be aching, body sore from running. To Rocketpunch. From it and around the island, panting and wanting to keep going even if he passed out. Then he would’ve gotten _some_ rest, unlike now. He would never fall asleep now.

Brain jumped, Hinata trying to get it to calm down. He couldn’t calm down even when it’d been hours since... the encounter. Everything is fuzzy still but like static on a television. Flickering between too many channels at once and he can’t make it stop.

He remembers Komaeda’s worried face hovering over him, asking him if he’s alright. He remembers Komaeda laughing and shaking with energy during the first class trial. He remembers Komaeda giggling at Strawberry House and telling him how “from the bottom of my heart, I am truly in love with your hope sleeping inside you.” He remembers Komaeda’s dead corpse in the warehouse and the way he told him to go away hours before.

He remembers Komaeda and _“isn’t that funny, Hinata-kun?”_

He _should_ hate him. After everything, he needs to hate him. Despite the good, the way what Komaeda said makes him pathetically ache, the desire to figure him out, Hinata should hate him.

And he can’t.

Maybe that’s why he’s the reserve course student and not the main attraction. He’s not like his friends. He’s too weak. His heart is too set. He just wants to help everyone.

Despite everything, Hinata wants to help Komaeda.

And now he’s standing, full of the intensity of this want. Driven by it.

It’s a need.

A need to know why this is happening and why to _him._

Komaeda has no reason to hate him more than anyone else and he _has_ to hate him. It’s obvious. He can understand - Ultimate Despair... Hinata even hates himself for it. He remembers vague details about it and hates himself even more but... everyone else was with him. Komaeda was with him.

But Komaeda will sit at breakfast with Ibuki and take gifts from her. He’ll let everyone else close but Hinata.

_Why?_

It roars in his ear.

_Why me?_

It moves him, Hinata outside suddenly. The only light is the front porches of the cottages, the illuminated pool in the distance. The sounds so vivid in his own cottage seem distant now. There’s no nature anymore. There’s no guitar strums far away. 

There’s only his breathing quickening and his knuckles on a door.

And Komaeda.

Racing through his thoughts. Racing through words waiting on his tongue. And racing through his vision, appearing before him behind a door.

For the first time in a while, there isn’t loathing caking Komaeda’s face. Only confusion. A look Hinata’s unfamiliar with but not surprised by. He has no idea what time it is, after all. Even if they weren’t where they were, this would be odd. 

It’s still odd.

Hinata wants to walk away. Before he can speak or Komaeda can shove him away. But Komaeda hasn’t said anything. He just stands there, waiting. 

Through a dry mouth, Hinata asks, “Can I come in?”

Komaeda eyes the ground, not moving. Not speaking either still. He stands quietly, hand on the door. For a moment, Hinata thinks he sees his fingers tapping. 

Komaeda’s tapping his fingers for Hinata, huh? How funny. 

Hinata’s taken back when Komaeda does move. The boy opens the door wider, not looking at Hinata as he does. 

He needs to walk away. 

So he enters. 

The cottage looks no different from his own. Plain, devoid of any personal touches. Hinata remembers a bookcase from the simulation. The mini-fridge and the...

It’s not there. It’s just a plain, simple living space now. The only thing that makes it Komaeda’s is the boy’s jacket laying on the floor by his shoes. And his pants. 

He feels so nervous he almost laughs at that. He just woke Komaeda up from sleep that means. While he’s standing fully dressed, laying in bed with even his shoes on for who knows how long. 

The door shuts so loudly it could wake the rest of the island. 

“What do you need?”

Hinata wishes he could speak as instantly as Komaeda. Without thinking over every last word and wondering if he shouldn’t say it. That’s what he really needed. That total confidence and lack of care for what he said. 

“I...”

“Don’t waste my time after waking me up.” Like that. 

Hinata’s teeth clench.

“I’m sure you can bother someone else if you insist on-”

“Why me?”

Komaeda shuts up. 

When Hinata turns to see him, he looks so... different. He looks like the boy on the beach again. It’s dark but Hinata can see his hand folded over his chest, the wrinkles in his t-shirt. The fresh bandages on his left arm. 

The way his boxers curve over his hips and the sight of it makes Hinata more focused. 

“Why are you doing this?” he says. 

Komaeda’s eyes are still so bright. Vividly green amongst the shadows crawling over his face. Vivid as they look away from him so obviously. “You came into my cottage unannounced.”

Hinata fully faces him. “Why are you doing any of this?” He thinks his hands are balled up by his sides. Fists that are containing all the emotions he’s trying to keep down. 

Komaeda doesn’t answer. Only continues looking away from him. 

He’s ignoring him.

It’s difficult. This is so difficult. Allowing himself to do this is difficult. He’d rather be in his cottage holding his face, wondering these questions to himself instead of finally getting answers. But he’s here. Komaeda is walking by him to his pile of clothes. And he’s here.

“I don’t hate you, Komaeda.”

Nothing. Komaeda grabs his jacket. 

“So why do you hate me?”

The boy is still once more. 

The green fabric looks so sick in his hand. Like physical sickness. It makes Hinata want to hurl even more than he already does. So he grabs Komaeda’s shoulder. 

“Tell me. Stop fucking around and just _answer me_.”

It’s so fast. 

Hinata’s amazed at himself for catching it, an arm coming at him. 

A fist aimed at his face even before he finishes talking. Even Komaeda’s surprised by his reflexes. Both boys are quiet for a brief second. Staring at the fist and the arm and Hinata and Komaeda and the way they fall. 

Hinata’s head smacks the floor and the pain makes his thoughts rush harder. He’s the only thing keeping Komaeda from crashing on top of him. The only thing to keep Komaeda from socking him in the jaw. 

Komaeda pushes hard against Hinata’s hands, holding his fist and shoulder so tight the second boy is hoping he doesn’t bruise him. He bruises so easily. He remembers Komaeda laughing about bruises from being tied up months ago, in another world. 

He doesn’t laugh anymore. He doesn’t smile. 

Komaeda’s eyes are bleeding green and black, teeth gritting as he’s trying to overpower Hinata. He’s stronger than Hinata ever expected him to be and Hinata’s exhausted. From stress, from running, from Komaeda. He’s so tired of this back and forth. 

He wants it to end.

“What is wrong with you?” Not shouting is hard. He wants to scream. “Just! Tell me!”

Komaeda doesn’t care though. He lets himself shout. “LET ME HIT YOU!”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE I WANT TO!” The boy shoves harder and Hinata feels like his arms are going to bend with the strain of holding him off. “I WANT YOU TO HATE ME ALREADY!”

“WHY - why would I hate you - ? Why do you want me to hate you?!” 

The atmosphere is cold. The room is full of shadows and darkness and Komaeda _pushing._  

“YOU SHOULD HATE ME!”

Komaeda’s voice echos on the walls, blasting through the small cottage. Hinata prays it doesn’t wake anyone up. This is his only moment of courage. This is his one chance at getting this to just...

“I don’t!”

end.

“YOU SHOULD!”

“Why?!”

“YOU _SHOULD_!”

Komaeda’s face keeps getting harsher. Hinata’s never seen such anger on it before. It makes his wild hair seem wilder. Eyes brighter. Shadows darker. Voice louder. 

Force stronger.

“YOU SHOULD HATE ME WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BODY! JUST SEEING ME SHOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL ME! I NEED YOU TO HATE ME SO MUCH IT BURNS AND EATS YOU ALIVE AND-”

“But why? Tell - Tell me why - !”

It’s difficult.

“BECAUSE IT’S EASIER THAT WAY! IF YOU HATE ME, THEN I WON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU EVER LOVING ME BACK!”

It’s so difficult. 

Komaeda wins. Hinata’s hand smacks to the floor, knuckles popping. 

Komaeda bundles over him. 

His hair is soft on Hinata’s cheek, softer than he ever imagined it would be. Silky white against tan skin, curling around him as the boy sinks into his neck, into the floor beneath. 

Each breath burns in his chest, Hinata’s. Maybe Komaeda’s. He’s so sick, so ill, so weak, so frail. That had to exhaust him. They’re both breathing harsh. The fist in Hinata’s hand releases, fingertips on his palm. Hair on his face. Silence in the air.

The only sound is a soft hiccuping against his ear. Each noise makes Komaeda’s body shake, pressed into his own body in a slump. 

His hand on the boy’s shoulder moves. Hinata can’t think but he can feel how the pink curls feel on his fingers as the hand goes higher. 

The hiccuping is more audible as he brushes through Komaeda’s hair. Not audible... it’s stronger. Hinata feels how strong, wetness touching his face from where they’re pressed together. He strokes his hair. He lets him sob against him. 

For some reason, he just remembers the beach. That’s all it ever is. That first meeting. The concern. The worriment. The help. 

He finds himself wrapping around Komaeda.

Remembering the waves crashing and the blurriness. How scared he was all he could do was faint. 

“I don’t hate you.”

Being so full of fear and unease but feeling comfort that someone wanted to keep him company. So the first thing he knew on Jabberwock Island was a stranger’s kindness.

“I don’t hate you, Komaeda.” 

Komaeda’s hugging him back, weakly as Hinata turns his face to kiss him. He doesn’t know why he does it. It feels right. Like Komaeda deserves it. Hinata’s lips on his tear-stained cheek. His hand in his hair gently brushing. 

Hinata stuck on what he’s supposed to do. All his energy went into storming here, on not getting knocked out. Now... he doesn’t know what to do. He has his answer and he’s unable to understand what he can do with it. 

He kisses Komaeda’s cheek again. Repeats himself once more. “I don’t hate you.” Again. “I could never hate you.”

Above, Komaeda is trying to move, pushing himself up on the stump of his left arm. Wavering as Hinata can see him in what little light comes through the window. 

Hair’s sticking to his face. The green in his eyes mixing with red and he’s still crying but it’s easing down. There’s snot and drool and tears and Komaeda’s forehead on his. 

The fingers in Hinata’s palm try to go around it. 

“I’m so sorry.” His voice is broken. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Hinata lets them, helping. He grips Komaeda’s hand tighter as their fingers interlock. It makes the boy cry again so Hinata grabs his face, pulls back the hair sticking to the wet. 

Hinata feels his heart finally calming down. For the first time in hours it’s falling to a gentle drum. He can better listen to Komaeda breathing, how each inhale is shaking, each exhale cracking. 

He can focus now. 

Eyes watching him, noses bumping. Komaeda’s frame trembling. His long cold fingers on his, ones that grip harder as Hinata’s thumb touches his lips. It makes them purse together. Adam’s apple bob and Hinata knows his must have too.

He feels so calm yet so nervous. Nothing from earlier is lingering. All the released anger, confusion, uncertainty. It’s subsided. 

Hinata moves his thumb. 

“I’m sorry,” Komaeda mumbles out before he kisses him. Words dying into a murmur. Hardly a kiss, _just_  pressing their lips and pulling away. 

He doesn’t know why he does it but it feels right. “I’m sorry too.”

Komaeda hiccups as he speaks. “Please... don’t be.” 

It’s not encouragement. Hinata shouldn’t take it as such but he does. He kisses him again, thumb circling on his cheek and through the drying streaks on his skin. Their upper lips touching, he sighs. Closes his eyes. And does it again. 

He’d imagined it. So many times it felt silly. Hinata had wanted to kiss Komaeda for so long and each memory of staring flustered at his lips was so vivid it was embarrassing. 

That’s what crushes did to you though. 

Fill you with embarrassment and stupid fantasies. 

It’s all he had when Komaeda was making him feel like scum. Remembering how he could imagine Komaeda holding him against a wall and kissing away the stress he’d caused. It was different than the meek way their lips kept brushing now. 

Komaeda starting to sob again and Hinata thinks about how he never thought he’d see that. Komaeda always felt stronger than him, in a strange way. Someone who could be above the sadness and destruction when Hinata couldn’t even speak.

“You can do s-so much better.” Komaeda’s still kissing back despite the words leaving his mouth. Voice croaking from screaming and crying. “You deserve better.”

Hinata wants to open his eyes but he’s too engulfed in the darkness. How he can only feel and hear the other. Bumping noses, teeth accidentally nipping at him, hot breath on his face. “You are better.” 

Their fingers unwind so Komaeda can grab his face. So Hinata can grab the hand holding him there as he kisses deeper. Other rubbing Komaeda’s shoulder soothingly, gently as he gasps into his face. Breathes, sharp inhale as Hinata pushes up to lock lips again. 

It’s more like how he always imagined it would be. 

Slowly, steadily, the boys sit up. Kissing each second they move, Hinata’s eyes flicker open just to see Komaeda’s shut. Drool tickles down his chin and it’s almost cute. 

It _is_  cute. 

He wipes it away with a finger and smiles.

Komaeda smiles back against his lips and it makes him start crying again. And smile harder, wrapping his arms around Hinata’s neck. He’s so much wetter to kiss than Hinata expected. 

It’s such... a Komaeda thing. 

They finally pull apart when Komaeda’s back touches bedside. Hinata’s hands sit on his face, wiping away any tears. There’s still so much. The boy can’t stop crying. 

He can also feel how hard Komaeda breathes. 

He knows he is too. 

“I think...” Hinata swallows, mouth so full of words and saliva and the taste of Komaeda’s tongue on his even if it were brief. Less brief he still tastes his lips, the mere memory of the sensation making him tingle. “...I like you. No... I do. A lot. I like you so much... it _does_  eat me alive. And... it hurts. A lot too. And I thought... you _hated_ me.” 

“I could never hate you, Hinata-kun.”

He can’t start crying too but the tears are stinging on his eyes. He focuses on Komaeda’s hand stroking his hair. Those cold fingers making him feel better. 

“I-I’m so sorry for everything. I...I was really cruel. I-I just...” Komaeda laughs weakly. “You shouldn’t like me.”

“I liked you every moment, Komaeda. I _like_  you right now.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But I do.”

Komaeda frowns, hand moving to hold his limp arm. Hinata keeps his face in his hands. Waiting for him to respond. He’s shaking with what he said, waiting for ages to say it. He needs Komaeda to hear him, to accept it. It’s all he’s ever wanted and he can _feel_  how much Komaeda seems to want the same. 

It’s so difficult. 

Komaeda turns into his hand, pressing into the palm and smiling once more. “I _love_ you.” Bloodshot eyes close, lips on Hinata’s skin. “So much.”

His heart races. 

It’s funny, that now it hits him. After all it went through to now decide to rush. But it has to match how hot his face feels hearing Komaeda mutter that to him. Even if he should have known, hearing it is so much different. 

It brings a rush of energy and joy. All the negatives feel like they never happened with it, pushed aside to focus. 

Hinata kisses his cheek and it’s wet again from the fresh tears, the hot flush of Komaeda’s face. 

He moves lower. 

He kisses his chin. Jaw sharp and long in ways so different from his own round features. Everything about Komaeda is so... sharp and different. But right now it’s soft. It’s gentle. It’s his to explore. 

Chin. Neck. The line of a vein trailing up. Accented collarbones peeking out from a slipping white shirt and that’s when Komaeda stops him. Hands on his shoulders and a quick “Wait.”

Hinata pauses. His face is tucked into Komaeda’s neck as he does. The boy’s mouth up on his ear, still heavy. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Komaeda mumbles in the same dead voice he’s been carrying. 

“I want to do this.”

Hinata tilts to see his expression change, if it does. And it does, from a worried bundle to licking his lips to find words. Swallowing. Mouth open just enough, just a bit, and it makes it hard not to giggle at the sight. 

Komaeda’s so cute. He’s universes cuter than he’s ever seemed before.

“...Do you want to get into bed? I... don’t know what’s happening but maybe we should.”

Hinata smiles.

“We should.” 

It’s another thing he imagined, maybe in more embarrassing details than any kissing scenario. Being in Komaeda’s bed was... a dream. Something beyond a dream - something he never expected to experience. Yet here he was. Komaeda placing gentle kisses on his face as they crawl up into said bed. It dips under their weight, under his weight. 

This is where Komaeda sleeps, Hinata realizes. Like it’s astounding, news breaking. But when he’s hovering above Komaeda, when he’s  _straddling_  him, it’s such strange to consider. He imagines Komaeda resting here before he came in, tucked into himself under the covers that wrinkle at his knees. Asleep. 

Hinata couldn’t sleep. He remembers that. 

He remembers all the anxiety and stress, anger and running - and now that’s all gone. All he knows is he likes this boy more than the world... that he _loves_  him and he loves him back. 

And it’s okay for him to. 

Loving Komaeda isn’t a guilty thought before bedtime. It’s here, long fingers up his shirt, trailing the feel of his body, his chest, all of Hinata as he feels them. Bones jutting out, stomach tight against his touch. Pale porcelain he never wants to let go of.

It’s lowering Komaeda to his pillow and watching how he arches as his shirt lifts. The white bundles around his collarbone and the sight of it is... beautiful. He’s already wearing so little, just this shirt, just those plaid boxers. 

Hinata fully dressed. Overdressed. Absently he goes to kick off his shoes. Them hitting the floor is strangely alluring. 

The kisses start anew once both shoes are off, Hinata contemplating if he needs to undress further. He doesn’t know what might happen but no matter what, he doesn’t want Komaeda to feel too exposed. To be the only one bare. He wants them to be equal in every way possible. 

So Hinata unzips his pants as he trails down Komaeda’s chest. He takes in the way the bottom boy sighs, voice hitching if he sucks on the same skin beneath his lips. Komaeda grabbing his hair again and not saying anything as the pants come off next. 

Hinata doesn’t touch anything more. For now, this is good enough. He reaches Komaeda’s stomach and it’s good enough. Kisses and sucking and hearing Komaeda start giggling, apologizing again. “I-It tickles- I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Hinata keeps kissing. Hand rolling over his thigh. “It’s alright.”

So Komaeda keeps giggling, tugging at Hinata’s hair with a smile that shines whenever the other looks up. They continue as Hinata replaces his hand on the thigh with his mouth, the giggles falling lighter and more drawn-out. 

Hinata bravely bites, just a nip at Komaeda’s thigh. 

Komaeda sighs into his pillow. 

It’s so cute. Hinata feels like he doesn’t deserve to witness it. He doesn’t deserve to have Komaeda to himself. But he gets him. 

“You’re nice.”

He ignores the boxers, forcing himself away to return to a face beaming. Komaeda’s so much redder than he left him. Even his ears are flustered and it’s so cute. 

“You’re... really nice to me. You don’t have to be nice to someone l-like me.”

Again; “But I want to, Komaeda.” 

Their bodies press as their mouths do, far more skin contact now that they’re both stripped down. And silence falls between them. Nerve-wrecking. It’s harder to hide how much they want the other then and how much just this - soft kisses and exploring hands - can affect them. 

Hinata is nervous but... he _wants_  Komaeda to feel him. He wants him to know this is because of _him_  and that right now, everything’s alright. That he really is loved. Just like he feels so overwhelming now it’s out in the open. When Komaeda does, feel him, he bites his lip and it brings a smile shooting out of Hinata. His reactions are all breathtaking. Each little look making Hinata’s body tremble with excitement. Pulse with love. 

He rolls forward and watches how the other gives a silent gasp, head tilting back. Hinata rolls again. Komaeda tilts into his pillow.

Everything is cute in ways it shouldn’t be. Komaeda letting out the faintest gasps each time Hinata rubs against him. The way Hinata can _feel_  him getting harder with each rub of his hips, bodies pressed together tight. Komaeda’s sweating and Hinata’s sweating and the piercing cold from before has vanished, replaced be a mad heat. 

The way Komaeda speaks in a whisper, whimpering as Hinata doesn’t stop but keeps going. Because it’s drawing embarrassing moans from him too and because just seeing Komaeda losing himself is reason enough to jerk down harder. Watch Komaeda lift his hips to meet his. Continue to whisper.

“Thank you.” The light sounds leaving him are almost intoxicating. “T-this feels... good. Really... really good - !” Komaeda’s arms are back, tangling around his shoulders, pulling the rest of his body down so they return to where this began. 

Soft kisses. “Thank you...” 

Soft kisses that get deeper fast, the nipping less accidental now. Teeth bump together and it’s awkward, painful, and perfect. It makes them kiss harder, bodies pressing tighter. Savoring each other. 

Hinata finds his voice shaking as he speaks himself. He doesn’t get how Komaeda is staying so quiet - it does feel good. Their groins rubbing together in rough, uncoordinated jerks. Chests flat together, so warm. “Like you imagined?” He’s never felt anything better. 

Immediately, Komaeda hiccups. “I’m so sorry f-for saying that.”

“It’s alright.” Hinata is curling over him, unable to keep his own voice down. It’s impossible. He knows he’s gasping too loud and its impossible to stop it.  “I did too. I-I imagined this and...” 

“I’m... s-sorry...” Komaeda voice dies into a low moan. The loudest sound he’s made yet it’s still soft. “Hah - Hinata-kun...” He clings so tight. The longer he speaks the more he whines, face pressing into Hinata’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry I-I’m... I think I’m getting close.” 

Hinata presses into him back, tugging at his arm. “I won’t stop,” he whimpers. “Okay?”

“D-don’t. Please.” 

Calling it silence isn’t right. It’s not quiet next but there are no words, only moans and whines. Holding each other so nothing is apart, everything is touching. Hinata can feel everything. The way Komaeda’s chest shakes as he breathes. The way the bed gently sways beneath. The way his body lifts up to meet his. How Komaeda _twitches_  against him under his boxers. 

It’s overwhelming. Hinata wonders if it’d be worse if he hadn’t spent so long wanting and fantasizing about this. Maybe if he’d let the thoughts die he’d be on the verge of tears again like Komaeda is. But... then again, maybe he wouldn’t even be here. 

He doesn’t want to imagine the him that didn’t get to experience this. 

That him that isn’t here. With Komaeda’s legs violently trembling as he curls into Hinata’s body, the rest of him shaking as he does finish. Hinata feels a growing wetness on his groin and it’s what helps him join. Letting Komaeda’s name slip off his tongue as he comes, cliche but just how he always knew he would. 

And it’s over. 

A twitch plays over Hinata’s body as he still rubs forward until he’s totally spent, hoping Komaeda is too. It’s what he deserves. He doesn’t stop until he can’t move anymore, holding himself up so he doesn’t collapse on the other, far weaker boy. Gently lowering down so he rests on him. 

Komaeda’s heartbeat drums in his ear. Both the boys’ breathing the only sound for a moment. Hinata thinks he hears a guitar solo starting up somewhere but he pretends he doesn’t. 

Right now, it’s just him and Komaeda. 

Him... and Komaeda...

“Thank you.” Komaeda’s voice is faint. It’s already hoarse from everything it’s been through today. Komaeda kisses Hinata’s forehead, fingers still stroking his hair. “Thank you.” He pulls back his bangs and it’s so simple. So simple but it makes Hinata smile hard.

A small giggle leaves him at another kiss. 

It’s another cliche. A moment he’s realizing how strange this is. Where his day went but he can’t complain. He wouldn’t ever complain. The unpleasant feelings, the way he felt... it’s all subsided for this. And maybe later he’ll remember it and want to talk more but that’s then. 

Now he can worry about leaving Komaeda’s cottage in the morning. Or even being in Komaeda’s cottage in the morning. He could leave before but he bets if he tried Komaeda would want him to stay. 

Hinata doesn’t want to leave. He wants to stay here, listening to Komaeda breathing. The soft inhales and exhales as the boy comes back down from his high.

“Komaeda?”

“Hm.”

Maybe he could stay like this forever.

“I think... I love you too.”


End file.
